My below are my own thoughts and suggestions on how we can help fight stigma and to better reach out to those who are mentally ill or grieving.
1) The first and foremost is to understand and educate ourselves on what mental illness is about. What it means to those who go through mental illness.
That however as I mentioned in my previous posts isn't enough.
2) Reach out to those going through mental illness. Don't judge. Learn what it means to truly listen and empathise. Offer them the gift of your listening and understanding. Don't try to fix them or offer advice. Simply listen to them and understand.
Practice makes perfect.
"The way of being with another person which is termed empathic means temporarily living in their life, moving about in it delicately without making judgments.... To be with another in this way means that for the time being you lay aside the views and values you hold for yourself in order to enter the other's world without prejudice...a complex, demanding, strong, yet subtle and gentle way of being."
Carl Rogers
3) Learn what it means to truly listen. Practise how to listen.
Reassuring someone isn't the same as listening.
4) With every opportunity possible, do what we can to help speak out against the stigma against mental illness sufferers. Many mental illness sufferers are afraid to voice out their condition, you'll be surprised who may admit to you they are going through such a condition or know of someone close to them who does if you speak out and show acceptance for them.
5) Naturally, don't join in the bandwagon on calling mental illness sufferers as "siao", "psycho" or "crazy." It's rude, discriminating, insensitive and downright unkind.
Don't call those people who self-harm as attention seeking. Most people don't realise that self-mutilation for instance may be the person's way of coping, however dysfunctional others may see it.
And don't call those people who are considering, or attempted or commited suicide as "cowards."
Don't judge.
The kindest word in all the world is the unkind word, unsaid. ~Author Unknown
6) Have faith in them. Believe in them. Help them and help yourself understand that it is going to take time for them to recover, but they will (recover). Whatever they're going through, "It will pass in time." The important thing is, you must believe it yourself in your belief in them
"Treat a man as he appears to be and you make him worse. But treat a man as if he already were and what he potentially could be, and you make him what he should be." - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
7) When they are slow in their recovery or in their signs of progress, or those who are grieving be patient with them. Don't rush them. Don't try to set datelines in saying/thinking that they have grieve/depressed enough. Let them move at their own pace.
Any frustration at their lack of progress stems from our own impatience. Work on our impatience instead and learn to be patient. Be patient with ourselves and be patient with them. Encourage them, don't give up on them.
"Patience makes lighter what sorrow may not heal." - Horace
8) There is a stigma against the male gender on that men shouldn't cry. If people are in pain and they wish to cry, let them, don't deny them that, male or female. The ability to cry is part of what makes us human
"But there was no need to be ashamed of tears, for tears bore witness that a man had the greatest of courage, the courage to suffer." - Victor E. Franklin
9) Don't say things like "they shouldn't feel this way."
Acknowledge their feelings. Do not invalidate their feelings.
Feelings are facts to the person experiencing them.
10) Don't give up. We are human beings, flawed in our own ways. We may make mistakes everyday in our effort to combat stigma or in reaching out to others. What matters is that we continue to learn from the mistakes we make.
Understanding and the art of listening can be learnt and acquired.
With every mistake, humility can be acquired. And with humility, the better understanding and empathy we can extend to others.
Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle - Plato
Showing posts with label Listening. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Listening. Show all posts
Wednesday, 16 May 2007
Monday, 7 May 2007
Best/Worst things to say to someone who is depressed
A list of the best/worst things to say to someone who is depressed.
http://www.thewellspring.com/Journal/JWT/worstbestdepressed.html
I would say that the list applies to all those who has to go through mental illnesses, grief or just feeling plain down.
http://www.thewellspring.com/Journal/JWT/worstbestdepressed.html
I would say that the list applies to all those who has to go through mental illnesses, grief or just feeling plain down.
Thursday, 3 May 2007
Listening
This is posted in my first entry of this blog which I will refer to again
"When we honestly ask ourselves
Which person in our lives means the most to us,
we often find that it is those who,
instead of giving too much advice, solutions or cures,
have chosen rather to share our pain
and touch our wounds with a gentle and tender hand.
The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion,
who can stay with us in an hour of grief or bereavement,
who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing,
and face us with the reality of our powerlessness,
that is a friend who cares.
- Henri J. M. Nouwen "Out of Solitude;Three Meditations on the Christian Life"
My thoughts.
I'm sure most if not all of us desire to be understood by others. And we have at one point or other in our lives needed that listening ear to listen to us, perhaps we had a bad day at work or in school, perhaps we just had our hearts broken or rejected by others, perhaps we are grieving over a loss, or perhaps, we are struggling to carry on in life, trying to find that courage to carry on and just simply needed an outlet for someone to listen to our struggles.
Often, many people tries to console others not realising that their perceived good intentions have a very adverse effect on those whom we try to comfort.
We are often quick to attempt to solve other people's problems, giving them advice, solutions, believing that answers, solutions is what others are asking of us when they approach us.
Lines like "What should I do?" "Why did this happen to me?" tug at our heartstrings making us think that if we can give them an answer to their questions we will solve their problems. But it is not always answers they seek when they say that, often, what they need is to know that we are there with them and to acknowledge that it's a terrible time and period that they are going through.
A crying "why?" from someone in pain is not always an invitation to start giving them what we think is the truth or the answer in the world. The truth hurts but it is the truth, or so some people might claim. The "truth" however, when inappropriately said is most unkind and cruel to say the least to the individual whos in pain. It is a lack of understanding and sensitivity to the feelings of the person we address. It is shoving our opinions and perspectives down their throat without a care or thought of how they feel. It is thoughtlessness at its worst.
One might wonder, is that "why?" not a question to be answered? To a grieving widow, a broken-hearted teenager, a person who has lost everything, the answer to the why (why did this happen, why did it happen to me, why did he/she leave...) often simply doesn't matter. It cease to matter because at that point in time, it is their pain that matter to them, for it is their pain that overwhelms them so completely. They are in such terrible pain emotionally and mentally that any answer, no matter how good an answer we might think it is, is of small and cold comfort.
We are not here to take away their confusion, their pain. We are here to be a friend, to let them know we know they're hurting and in pain and we want to be with them, to let them know that they're not completely alone. We are with them, stay with them when they are down, not in front of them so impatiently trying to drag them back up for whatever intentions we think we have.
Many are uncomfortable with people wallowing in self-pity, we want them to snap out of it, pull themselves together, we tell them there's so many other more unfortunate people than them, we want to tell them that they aren't the only ones with problems. We mean well, what we are trying to tell them is that things aren't actually as bad as they perceive but we fail to see just how hurtful and cruel such comments are to them, we fail in making them feel heard or understood and invalidate how they feel in the process. We are too busy in telling them what we think and feel using the almighty good intentions as a reason to justify what we say, rather than truly sit with them and feel and try to understand what they feel.
We are uncomfortable at times with some of the questions they ask. Who are "they"? "They" can be our spouse, our friends, our family, the mentally ill, the people who are grieving, the people who are down, broken-hearted, the list goes on, the common factor is that they want a listening ear, they want to feel heard, to feel understood. We seem to expect ourselves to must have the answers to their questions but it's okay not to have the answers. It is okay to be powerless. To understand that is to go one step in understanding the feelings of hopelessness and helplessness that those who are in depression and in grief feels.
When we tell them that they shouldn't feel that way, they shouldn't feel sad because..., they shouldn't feel angry because.... etc, we are invalidating how they feel. Why should they not have a right to feel what they feel? Why should we deny them what it means to be human?
Would we ever truly understand how they truly feel? Personally I don't think so. We can come close by putting ourselves in their shoes but we're not them. And it is this fact that we have to realise that we are not the ones going through their pain. And that pain is very real and very painful to them.
When they are silent, can we sit with them and stay quiet too? Many of us aren't comfortable with silence. We feel an urge to fill the silence. It is however not words that they want to hear from us, silence is a gift at times. It is a gift of listening, a gift of letting them dwell and explore what they feel.
At the end of the day, the question we have to ask ourselves for those who truly wish to give a listening ear or to be a friend to those in need, have we truly make them feel heard and understood? Have we given them the gift of kindness and understanding, accepting them for who they are. Have we given them the gift of listening?
"When we honestly ask ourselves
Which person in our lives means the most to us,
we often find that it is those who,
instead of giving too much advice, solutions or cures,
have chosen rather to share our pain
and touch our wounds with a gentle and tender hand.
The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion,
who can stay with us in an hour of grief or bereavement,
who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing,
and face us with the reality of our powerlessness,
that is a friend who cares.
- Henri J. M. Nouwen "Out of Solitude;Three Meditations on the Christian Life"
My thoughts.
I'm sure most if not all of us desire to be understood by others. And we have at one point or other in our lives needed that listening ear to listen to us, perhaps we had a bad day at work or in school, perhaps we just had our hearts broken or rejected by others, perhaps we are grieving over a loss, or perhaps, we are struggling to carry on in life, trying to find that courage to carry on and just simply needed an outlet for someone to listen to our struggles.
Often, many people tries to console others not realising that their perceived good intentions have a very adverse effect on those whom we try to comfort.
We are often quick to attempt to solve other people's problems, giving them advice, solutions, believing that answers, solutions is what others are asking of us when they approach us.
Lines like "What should I do?" "Why did this happen to me?" tug at our heartstrings making us think that if we can give them an answer to their questions we will solve their problems. But it is not always answers they seek when they say that, often, what they need is to know that we are there with them and to acknowledge that it's a terrible time and period that they are going through.
A crying "why?" from someone in pain is not always an invitation to start giving them what we think is the truth or the answer in the world. The truth hurts but it is the truth, or so some people might claim. The "truth" however, when inappropriately said is most unkind and cruel to say the least to the individual whos in pain. It is a lack of understanding and sensitivity to the feelings of the person we address. It is shoving our opinions and perspectives down their throat without a care or thought of how they feel. It is thoughtlessness at its worst.
One might wonder, is that "why?" not a question to be answered? To a grieving widow, a broken-hearted teenager, a person who has lost everything, the answer to the why (why did this happen, why did it happen to me, why did he/she leave...) often simply doesn't matter. It cease to matter because at that point in time, it is their pain that matter to them, for it is their pain that overwhelms them so completely. They are in such terrible pain emotionally and mentally that any answer, no matter how good an answer we might think it is, is of small and cold comfort.
We are not here to take away their confusion, their pain. We are here to be a friend, to let them know we know they're hurting and in pain and we want to be with them, to let them know that they're not completely alone. We are with them, stay with them when they are down, not in front of them so impatiently trying to drag them back up for whatever intentions we think we have.
Many are uncomfortable with people wallowing in self-pity, we want them to snap out of it, pull themselves together, we tell them there's so many other more unfortunate people than them, we want to tell them that they aren't the only ones with problems. We mean well, what we are trying to tell them is that things aren't actually as bad as they perceive but we fail to see just how hurtful and cruel such comments are to them, we fail in making them feel heard or understood and invalidate how they feel in the process. We are too busy in telling them what we think and feel using the almighty good intentions as a reason to justify what we say, rather than truly sit with them and feel and try to understand what they feel.
We are uncomfortable at times with some of the questions they ask. Who are "they"? "They" can be our spouse, our friends, our family, the mentally ill, the people who are grieving, the people who are down, broken-hearted, the list goes on, the common factor is that they want a listening ear, they want to feel heard, to feel understood. We seem to expect ourselves to must have the answers to their questions but it's okay not to have the answers. It is okay to be powerless. To understand that is to go one step in understanding the feelings of hopelessness and helplessness that those who are in depression and in grief feels.
When we tell them that they shouldn't feel that way, they shouldn't feel sad because..., they shouldn't feel angry because.... etc, we are invalidating how they feel. Why should they not have a right to feel what they feel? Why should we deny them what it means to be human?
Would we ever truly understand how they truly feel? Personally I don't think so. We can come close by putting ourselves in their shoes but we're not them. And it is this fact that we have to realise that we are not the ones going through their pain. And that pain is very real and very painful to them.
When they are silent, can we sit with them and stay quiet too? Many of us aren't comfortable with silence. We feel an urge to fill the silence. It is however not words that they want to hear from us, silence is a gift at times. It is a gift of listening, a gift of letting them dwell and explore what they feel.
At the end of the day, the question we have to ask ourselves for those who truly wish to give a listening ear or to be a friend to those in need, have we truly make them feel heard and understood? Have we given them the gift of kindness and understanding, accepting them for who they are. Have we given them the gift of listening?
Saturday, 28 April 2007
The gift of listening
Friend
"When we honestly ask ourselves
Which person in our lives means the most to us,
we often find that it is those who,
instead of giving too much advice, solutions or cures,
have chosen rather to share our pain
and touch our wounds with a gentle and tender hand.
The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion,
who can stay with us in an hour of grief or bereavement,
who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing,
and face us with the reality of our powerlessness,
that is a friend who cares.
- Henri J. M. Nouwen "Out of Solitude;Three Meditations on the Christian Life"
Listen
When I ask you to listen to me,
and you start giving advice,
you have not done what I asked.
When I ask you to listen to me,
and you begin to tell me why I shouln't feel that way,
you are trampling on my feelings.
When I ask you to listen to me,
and you feel you have to do something to solve my problems,
you have failed me, strange as that may seem.
Listen! All I asked was that you listen.
Not talk or do -- just hear me.
Advice is cheap;
a quarter will get you both Dear Abby and Billy Graham in the same newspaper.
And I can do for myself;
I'm not helpless.
Maybe discouraged and faltering, but not helpless.
When you do something for me that I can and need to do for myself,
you contribute to my fear and weakness.
But when you accept as a simple fact that I do feel what I feel, no matter how irrational, then I quit trying to convince you and get about the business of understanding what's behind this irrational feeling. And when that's clear, the answers are obvious and I don't need advice.
Irrational feelings make sense when we understand what's behind them.
Perhaps that's why prayer works sometimes for some people -- because God is mute, and He doesn't give advice or try to fix things. He may just listen and let you work it out for yourself.
So, please listen and just hear me -- and, if you want to talk,
wait a minute for your turn; and I will listen to you.
Anonymous
"When we honestly ask ourselves
Which person in our lives means the most to us,
we often find that it is those who,
instead of giving too much advice, solutions or cures,
have chosen rather to share our pain
and touch our wounds with a gentle and tender hand.
The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion,
who can stay with us in an hour of grief or bereavement,
who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing,
and face us with the reality of our powerlessness,
that is a friend who cares.
- Henri J. M. Nouwen "Out of Solitude;Three Meditations on the Christian Life"
Listen
When I ask you to listen to me,
and you start giving advice,
you have not done what I asked.
When I ask you to listen to me,
and you begin to tell me why I shouln't feel that way,
you are trampling on my feelings.
When I ask you to listen to me,
and you feel you have to do something to solve my problems,
you have failed me, strange as that may seem.
Listen! All I asked was that you listen.
Not talk or do -- just hear me.
Advice is cheap;
a quarter will get you both Dear Abby and Billy Graham in the same newspaper.
And I can do for myself;
I'm not helpless.
Maybe discouraged and faltering, but not helpless.
When you do something for me that I can and need to do for myself,
you contribute to my fear and weakness.
But when you accept as a simple fact that I do feel what I feel, no matter how irrational, then I quit trying to convince you and get about the business of understanding what's behind this irrational feeling. And when that's clear, the answers are obvious and I don't need advice.
Irrational feelings make sense when we understand what's behind them.
Perhaps that's why prayer works sometimes for some people -- because God is mute, and He doesn't give advice or try to fix things. He may just listen and let you work it out for yourself.
So, please listen and just hear me -- and, if you want to talk,
wait a minute for your turn; and I will listen to you.
Anonymous
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
